… turned into this morning’s strength; and also resulted to my official list of next year’s resolution.

To start the honest explanation of how this irony came about; I just have to let it out there that I’m not a toughie, and yes I’m only trying to act like one— but I’d like to believe that it’s better to fake it until I wing it than dwell on it and be unhappy longer.

Part One.

Like most of us; I would cry loads and eat loads after the fresh heart wound. So the truth that I’ve uncovered last night sent me crying under the covers. I woke up to a set of puffy eyes this morning, went to work trying to be normal, and then finally submitted to indulging on Steak Escape’s fries loaded with cheddar and bacon by lunch time. I thought it was well-deserved.

But of course, everyone knows that not even Ben and Jerry can really take the pain away. You can’t Tylenol or NyQuil the heaviness of a broken heart, and expect to have a deep and undisturbed sleep after. I’ve had three shares of destructive heartquakes just this year; I’m not even sure if I’ve gotten a humane amount of sleep this 2011.

Three consecutive heartbreaks— his fault, her fault, my fault, my fault, his fault, her fault, my fault —I’m through with the blame game. I’m burning these love-and-infatuation-drugged chapters (but only after I take my life-notes for my personal surviving a heartbreak how-to**) to start my 2012 anew and healthy.

**My Personal Surviving a Heartbreak How-To:

• First: Allow yourself to feel the wounds of your heart and the bleeding of your soul, from all the rejection and expectations; from all the daydreams of you laughing and kissing and holding hands under the starry skies. Sing your brokenheartedness out.  Don’t try to numb the pain.
• Second: Remember that you are human, after all. You’re not a super girl. So doing step one is crucial and should not be labelled as “weak”. But remember your self-imposed limitations. You have the right to cry your eyes out and cuss till you fall asleep— all in the comforts of your bedroom. Yes. In the private comforts of your bedroom. Why? Because you deserve and know better than to beg twice.
• Third: Treat yourself to anything you deem will make you feel good; but think of long-term happiness. That being said, vices and boys aren’t included on the list. You don’t purposely cure a boy-infused-sickness with another boy. And cigarettes caused you breakouts anyway. So what’s on the list? Spending time with your family, spending time with the company of your good friends (alcohol is only permitted with the company of your good friends.), taking up a new hobby, getting a haircut, taking good care of yourself; blogging, make-up, a little retail therapy, dressing up, exercise, writing down goals and making them come true— loving yourself, picking yourself up from the madness. Fake it till you wing it.
• Fourth: Open yourself to new people and environment. Make new friends; but never under the mindset that you need new people because you’re in dire need to meet someone who will pull you out from this. You never throw yourself into other people as if your life’s sinking and he’s the only rescue boat out there. Never again. You save yourself out of this.
• Fifth: Forgive. Forgive yourself too, especially. — I’m having the toughest time doing this, everyday. But I know this is crucial, and it shall set you free. He might have walked away ages ago, even when you were still both sitting side by side; but you have to let yourself free to get through this completely.
• Sixth: Cut out connections if you must. After all, out of sight, out of mind.
• Seventh: Prayers. No, not those “Please give him back to me” prayers. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. Pray for acceptance. Pray for forgiveness. Let go and Let God.

Because I refuse to take forever before I can feel better. Because after everything that happened, I learned that it’s irrational to give up time, emotion and effort trying to win someone back, or make them realize that it should be you who he should be cuddling with tonight. If he really wants you, he’ll let you feel it.

I learned that you can survive a heartbreak— it won’t be easy, but it’s doable. And rewarding. So there’s no reason to spend all your minutes with what-could-have-beens and what might-have-beens. 

I learned that if you give love to yourself, you’re sure that you won’t be hurting in the end. It’s sweet to dream of a world where you have someone who’ll give you that undivided and unconditional love you’ve always wanted, maybe your soul mate’s just around the corner after all— but never ever forget that you have the ability to give yourself that kind of love and strength too.

Because if there’s anyone who deserves the best of your everything…

… it’s YOURSELF.