The moment I saw my schedule from this weekend till next, my mind automatically generated plans for my me-time date— window shopping and coffee at LA or at Burbank? I cannot remember the last time I had a full weekend without work, and after a work week filled with series of unfortunate events; I knew that having this Saturday and Sunday off was meant to be. I really needed a faraway place to breathe and rejuvenate myself.

It was tough at work and sadly, it’s getting hard for me to keep smiling. I’ve gone from the amazing trainee who never had discrepancies to “Hey you didn’t order change, didn’t fill out the forms, had ten cents discrepancy AGAIN, forgot to take out your deposit, forgot to have the manager sign the logs, forgot your Discover credit slips…” I was in my utmost disaster self and I just… I just cannot understand why things are going wrong.

I’m tired of being that girl who can’t do things right— some would say that it’s okay since I’m only a month old in this new job; but is it too much to even ask for a really flawless day at work? I don’t know why I’m on the edge of wanting to prove to myself that I can be big at something. Maybe it’s because I’ve never really done something huge; maybe it’s because I envy all those other people my age— here, doing things in a grown-up manner. I, on the other hand, would walk around like I’m just out of high school— innocent, gullible and childlike. Maybe I’m just judging myself and thinking that this is how people often perceive me; but how can I not think that way?

Once, after printing out my cash balances which showed I didn’t make any mistake; I couldn’t help but make a tiny leap of joy; I didn’t realize my manager was just beside me. She laughed and said, “Oh God you’re so cute, I love it!”

…

Cute.

When all I wanted was to be seen as someone mature and grown up. I surely am not doing things the way I’m doing them to be purposely cute; it’s not that I take these kinds of comments negatively… it’s just that; maybe, I’m in this phase of my life where I want to be taken seriously— after all, I’m 22.

Turning 23.

I pondered about it for quite sometime, people wouldn’t take me this way if I’m not giving it to them right? Maybe it’s the way I dress. The way I carry myself. The way I talk. I started my “How to be mature” project by making changes to how I dress. I still need tips and lessons on how to turn the way I carry myself up in the notches of well… in the vagueness essence of “maturity” for the lack of a better word.

This dilemma sounds absolutely ridiculous but it’s seriously making me feel so little. I need to recover from this week’s blues asap.

***

On to today— I started my lovely Saturday morning by purchasing a huge tote bag for my laptop then riding two buses to Los Angeles; to window shop, have coffee and use the complimentary internet at the coffee shop.

I tried recreating what today would’ve looked like in pictures through Polyvore because I forgot my camera.

It’s getting dark, and I’ve gone from tweeting to people-watching; all the while hoping that next week will go the way I’ve always wanted it to.

After all, everyday starts out with a clean slate if you want it to, right?